Hate and Misery

So, lets face it, there's not much to do in this town. To keep it interesting we have to make our own fun. Mostly that involves getting together to watch movies, eat dinner, all the old standbys, but lately we've begun creating "nights". To some degree the "night" phenomenon is annoying to me. I don't think every night needs to be a "night". Horror movie "night", X-files "night". you get the picture. I like some spur of the moment "nights" mixed in there. But there are two "nights" that I'm quite fond of. They are "hate night" and "miserable mondays". I promise, we actually are a fun group. And mighty cheery as well. I think "hate night" in particular needs discussing. It began as a night in opposition to the above mentioned "x-files night", which is led by my hubby. He hangs with a small group of friends at a house across the lake from ours. Our housemate Sam was at one point a part of this group, but he was having some issues with a couple of the members and decided to leave. But he still wanted to watch the X-files. I had a certain amount of animosity towards them because I had never been invited in the first place, and I sort of wanted to be watching the X-files too. So we joined our negativity and created our own night. Along with our friend Nik, we became a group. We found that it was a great way to release any anger, frustration or annoyance from the previous week. No hate is too big or too small. Our only rule is that there is no hate between us, and no self hate. We focus all our energy on the house across the lake, most often referred to as "those fuckers across the lake", and occasionally watch an episode or two of the X-files. As the weather has gotten warmer we have begun to take our activities outdoors. This may entail yelling obscenities to them (which they can't hear), or doing some sort of mission to their house to sabotage their "night". Last week this involved us angrily driving to their house (with the lights off, super spy style) crawling in the grass and sneaking around their back porch is search of an ashtray which we were sure JD (my hubby) had brought with him (that fucker!) only to discover that it was in fact still at our house. It sure gave us a good reason to hate, though. I mean, what right did he have to take that with him! Your starting to see how fun hate can be, aren't you. What we've learned is that as long as it's all in good fun, a little hatred is good for the soul. We often refer to a successful hate night as "a good hate". I feel I should mention that the hubby is aware of "hate night" and finds it amusing. However he is the only one. I would ruin the hate if they all new.

Hate night (which generally takes place on Sunday's) is quickly followed by Miserable Mondays. This night has many similarities with Hate Night. It began as a social experiment. We wondered how quickly you could gather a crowd at a local bar just by loosely putting out the word that it was happening. So we started saying "we'll be a Union on Monday night for Miserable Mondays". We don't call anyone or set times, we just put it out there and show up. Low and behold within three weeks we went from three of us to about ten. People just start showing up. Everybody likes a theme. I guess it makes us feel like we're a part of something. So we've begun to really embrace the idea of "miserable monday". First off, we have the "miserabowl". It's a clear fish bowl that sits in the center of our table. There are slips of paper and pens scattered about, with which you write your miseries. Each misery starts with "I am miserable because..". As with hate night, no misery is too big or too small. It could be " I am miserable because my job is horrible and oppressive" (which mine isn't, that was just an example) or "I am miserable because my drink is empty" (which becomes a common misery as the night goes on). The miserabowl fills up and we all become lighter.

This is how my week starts. Completely random hatred and misery, with very little basis in reality. I think focusing on this stuff is a way for us to recognize how good our lives are. We indulge in the little things that bother us, let them become big, blown up, get angry about them, bitch, complain. All so we can laugh at ourselves and see how silly these things are. We make our fun. The thing is, I think you have to make your own fun regardless of whether your in the smallest of towns or the biggest of cities. Because in the end, it's all about the people you're with and how creative you can get with your time.

So, if anyone's going to be in the Great Barrington/ Berkshires area on a monday night stop by Union Bar and Grill and get miserable. Seriously, we'll be there.

Gotta do more, Gotta be more

I feel like I've been running around for two weeks now, with no end in site. It's always this way. One seemingly small event explodes into a serious of events, which start to take over. Let me explain. I've begun taking on small photography jobs. It provides a bit of a challenge and well, lets face it, some extra cash. But suddenly I have three in two days on top of my 40 hr work week. Already I see myself adjusting from 'girl who goes home after work and lazily watches movies' to 'serious working girl, editing photo shoots in the evening after a long day at work'. This transition was really only difficult in the beginning. Already I'm starting to crave this feeling of fullness. It makes you fit things into your schedule that you may have otherwise put off, thinking "I have plenty of time, I'm not doing anything". And yet I'm never satisfied. I never feel like I'm doing enough. Everpresent in my mind is "be more creative, take more photos, make more books, more, more, more". In my lazy time I've ever riddled with a dull guilt that I'm not doing enough, never enough. Or that what I'm doing is somehow lacking. That is should be better. More. This generally leads to more laziness, which is avoidance, leading to more guilt. So I'm thankful for this burst of busyness. I have no choice but to be productive. So even if I'm not satisfied, I'm at least free of the feeling that I'm not doing anything. Even if I could be doing more.

Things you think of on a slow day

How is it that two completely different people will come up with the same unique combination of flowers, at two separate times in one day. Are we all connected by some greater "collective unconscious" or are these things really just coincidence? Isn't it amazing that the smell of geranium is so strong is fights its way out of the cold fridge and inhabits the entire shop? These are the thoughts that come to me when the shop is quite, like it is today. It's so silent and still in here, and maybe more so outside. The sky is a light grey and a warm wind is blowing. It seems a perfect day to go buy flowers, or even just browse, but I suspect the locals have decided that April is a better month to go to Florida, or Hawaii or Costa Rica, than to stay in Great Barrington. Part of me agrees with them. Part of me can think of nowhere I'd rather be. And then there's that part that wants, at all times, to be with the people I miss, in all the places they are.

I find myself becoming more attached to this place, day by day. So much so that it's starting to feel like home in a way I wasn't sure any other place ever would. I've been a "Denver girl" for so long, it's strange that I would take so well to a small New England town. I've begun doing things I've never done before. Becoming more involved in the community. Buying a farm share with a local CSA (community supported agriculture). Listening to community radio. Supporting the local "film festival". All these little things. They're things I've always wanted to be a part of, in any community, yet somehow never was. I take that as a sign that this is a place I must want to be committed to in some way. All in all, the idea of that terrifies me, because it means I may always be in a place where so many people I love aren't. I guess that's just one of those things that happens somewhere along the way. You think that everyone will someday move to a utopian neighborhood that offers a little something for each person. Where you'll all raise your families together, go for walks, make art, throw interesting parties and be there for all the important things...

Does everyone have these dreams? Do they ever come true?

f-ing heather

this is a test, this is only a test. hey.