Perfect Spot

A few little updates...

2006-08-24T15:37:00.000-04:00

Ghost cowboys, as promised...

Misery can now be found at miserablemondays.com Fancy, huh?

"and all you see...is where else you could be, when you're at home"

2006-08-23T15:40:00.000-04:00

About a month ago I had one of those pure moments of clarity, where you see yourself as if from the outside. I was walking home after working at Farm Girl Farm. It's a CSA (community supported agriculture) about 2 blocks from my house. Every Wednesday evening I go to the farm and work for about 2 hours in exchange for food. It's been a great experience for me. One, because it gives me a reason to be outside working. And Two, I get the perfect amount of fresh, organic vegetables. So this day, I was walking along Route 71 eating freshly picked green beans, the sky was clear with just a few scattered white clouds, and there was a nice breeze keeping things comfortable. A small plane flew over head, readying to land at the nearby "airport", and as I listened to the sound of the propellers, I realized how magical a place this is. But, the way in which my mind formulated that thought was to think "I'm really going to miss these things". I was suddenly struck by how absurd it is to constantly live my life missing the places I've been, and looking forward to the places I will be.. yet never being satisfied where I am. In realizing that, I've found myself at peace with where I am in the world. Not just being in Great Barrington, but also with the things I'm doing. With the projects I'm working on, my job as a florist, my ideas and thoughts and plans. All of it. At this moment in time, I feel truly happy to be where I am. I'm not plotting my next move, and I'm not throwing down an anchor. I'm just here. And that's great.

That wasn't what I was planning on posting... I was going to do a post about my trip to Denver, but I think I'll hold off for now. For a sneak peek, check out this Photobooth series from my party while I was there.

Summertime

2006-07-18T15:50:00.000-04:00

Today I am tired in that happy sort of way. In the way that lets you know you're moving forward, that you're living your life.

On Saturday night we went to the Union for some 80's dancing. It started off strong - Laura was in town for the weekend, and Luke was spinning. Sitting at the bar, waiting for the dining room to clear out, Luke, Ayla and I chatted and had a drink. Then we helped him carry in records from his car, which made us feel important. When the music started, an old dude asked me to dance, and in the midst of me turning him down, his bottom teeth nearly fell out of his mouth. Yep, they just popped up. So yeah, I mean OLD. And a little creepy, too. Once the dancing started, we were unstoppable. It was hard to even go outside for a break, because the next song would come on and it would just be so good! The AC was broken, so just when you thought you were going to have a heart attack, and had to go outside for some air, you would realize that it was still 80 degrees and 100% humidity out there, and you were shit out of luck. But being hot and sweaty has it's charms. One, it's kind of a badge of honor- a little 'look how hard I've been dancing and how much fun I'm having' kind of thing. And two, it's the perfect prelude to 2 AM skinny dipping.

The river was cold, but in a good way. It was foggy and dark and we were in a perfect little swimming hole just floating in the dark water. After a while when the chill got to us, we sat on the edge of the water and ate sun chips. Laura, always a plethora of knowledge, told us about how "no seeums" have little scissor like mouths that scissor into your skin to draw blood, which is why they hurt so much. Damn those things! Kim asked "if you could be any animal, what would you be". Max -platypus, Me- Otter, Laura - coyote or wolf, Steven - "I'd beat up a cow". Somehow this response didn't seem strange coming from Steven, so we all just laughed and kept talking, until a moment later when he blurted out "I'd kill a giraffe, I'd break it's neck". That's when we realized that he thought Kim had said "if you could beat any animal, what would you beat". Ha Ha.

Monday was so scorching hot that JD and I moved around the house in slow motion trying to conserve energy. Thumbles laid stretched out on the floor, hating life. We watched movies when it felt too hot to read, and went back to reading when the couch started melting onto us. Eventually, when the temp. in our bedroom read 88 degrees, we got the hell out of there and just went into town.

We got to Misery early and one by one more people showed up. Eventually it was a pretty big crowd. It was so muggy out that it smelled like the ocean. Jesse gave us crazy deals on our drinks, and most everyone got more than a little tipsy. Kim and I discovered that it can be really fun to slap each other in the face - kind of exhilarating.

Okay, so the photos look WAY more violent than it was...We love each other, really!

I'm hoping to go to the fairgrounds tonight for another round of photos... ghost cowboys and underground tunnels. Awesome.

A few little bits

2006-07-15T16:23:00.000-04:00

Tonight I will dance. Just thinking about it makes me happy. Even if the music isn't that great (which I'm sure it will be, Luke). Even if there aren't very many people. Regardless of how little or how much I've had to drink. I will dance.

These last few weeks have been a strange combination of busy and slow for me. On the one hand I had the time to obsessively watch the first season of Joan of Arcadia (who knew this show was so good - really, I thought it sounded pretty terrible, but I actually kind of loved it). Plus read two books (You shall know our velocity by Dave Eggars and Mr.Vertigo by Paul Auster) Yet, I also printed some work for a restaurant who I did photos for, shot some new photos of the Fairgrounds, had drinks with friends, was miserable at Miserable Monday and spent a day editing JD's new acting reel.

Lately, I've been listening to NPR and realizing that I am just letting it wash over me - totally incapable of absorbing it all. When I actually stop for a minute and listen, I am just so horrified by everything. I can't give it my full attention, or it's just overwhelming. Yet, I feel responsible to listen, so I leave it on.

I'm working on a photography project of the Great Barrington Fairgrounds that I'm really excited about. I put one of the new images up on dusklight if you want a little taste. Next up - Ghost cowboys. Yea, you heard me.

Also in the works... a collaboration with the great Max of the North Country. Photos and words inspired by little american lives. And by little, I mean miniature.

That red morning light

2006-06-16T08:44:00.000-04:00

If I could drag my ass out of bed at 6:00 AM every morning, I'm convinced I would be a happier and more productive person. There is something so special about being in the world at a time when the general consciousness of our world is quiet and calm. I'm listening to Elliot Smith, drinking coffee and enjoying this amazing spring morning. How much better does it get?

This morning has made me think of all the great sunrises I have seen in my life. One of the things I loved most, and miss most, about Denver was the Sunrises and Sunsets. Full of the most beautiful colors- pinks, oranges, purples... Denver has the most beautiful skies.

The first that comes to mind is when I took JD to Red Rocks on his first visit to Denver. It was such an important trip, so full of new things; meeting my family, my friends, the two of us learning about each other outside of our little bubble we lived in in Fort Langley, deciding we could make it work no matter how much distance was between us. We drove up at about 5:00 AM in order to watch the whole thing. It was a beautiful quiet drive, passing through the city and into the mountains. We sat on the steps at Red Rocks with a blanket and watched the colors change. It was a fiery sunrise and all of Red Rocks amphitheater was aglow with a red light.

There were the sunrises that Liz and I watched while driving back from Boulder or Lakewood after a night of dancing at Ground Zero( a club in Boulder). Sometimes we would just go home and crash, and sometimes we would go to Village Inn and eat french toast and drink cheap coffee. I loved feeling so exhausted and so invigorated at the same time. The first few times we went to Ground Zero, Liz was still taking Ice Skating lessons , which meant she had to be at the rink by about 5:00 AM. A few times we went straight there without sleeping. I would get Hot chocolate from the concessions stand and sit shivering in the rows as she practiced. Sometimes I would wander around, watching the sky change color.

Most of my sunrise memories are in the summer, but there's an amazing Winter one. Liz and I went to party at a friends house, I think it was Chris's. He was our friend Brandon's best friend. I spent most all of the night laying in strange places talking with Chris. There was no place to sleep so we kept trying to find somewhere comfortable. Since no place was comfortable, we just talked and talked. We laid in the middle of the hallway, we laid in the bathtub and on the bathroom floor. We spent the whole night this way. Finally, after having drifted for a few hours, we decided to go for a walk. The sun was almost done rising, so there was a beautiful dawn glow. It had snowed all night, so we walked through fluffy fresh snow, and even though it was so cold I went without a jacket - just feeling the crisp air on my skin.

One important sunrise, took place after the high school prom (I was a junior). The boy I went with was just a friend. I wore a dramatic 1950's style black dress and he had on a red plaid suit. We looked great in our photos. We were a group of about 5 couples. I don't really remember the dance very well... but afterwards we went back to Ryan's house and proceeded to stay up all night. Eventually, most everyone fell asleep. I was awake with Ryan, his girlfriend, and our friend Christian. A strange flirtatious mating ritual was taking place between Christian and I, which was sort of fun, and sort of off putting because he had gone to dance with Liz, although they weren't together. I remember we were sitting on the porch and the sky was just starting to get lighter. He leaned over to kiss me, and I told him that it just couldn't happen. I remember thinking how funny it was that he sort of just got up and went to sleep, like the whole night had been a waste. Here I was thinking that I was getting to know this new person, and it turns out he really just thought we were going to get it on. So I sat by myself for a while, and then David Bailey- who I didn't realize had been awake the whole night - came and sat by me. We had been at dozens of parties together, known each other for years, but we never really talked to each other. Actually, I thought that he strongly disliked me. We talked about how amazing it was to watch the sunrise while everyone slept. We talked about poetry and art. We talked about our lives, and our thoughts. I suddenly realized that this person I had known for so long, was so much more than I had ever thought. He became one of my best friends, and my first sweetheart. That was a special sunrise.

This is my favorite time of year. When the days are long and the nights short. When you can stay up all night with friends and watch the sunrise in the morning. I think this is the time of year that I miss Denver the most, because there's nothing I love more than summer nights in Denver, and early morning sunrises... Because that's when everything is fresh and new.

Blog Block

2006-06-09T14:10:00.000-04:00

Whenever I don't post for a while, it becomes harder and harder to come up with a new post. It's like all the little events that took place between now and my last post are jumbled around and I just start to draw a complete blank as to what I should say. I become overwhelmed by the possibility of what to write.

Here's the thing, I'm having that problem right now. I just thought that if I at least acknowledged it, that it would become easier to write.

So, this is me releasing the pressure. Hopefully I'll come back refreshed and with lots to say.

Almost road kill

2006-05-06T14:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had two incredibly startling, near-hit encounters with animals. Now, I’m not talking your standard squirrel-running-under-your-car, or even a deer on a dark road (which is pretty much terrifying to me). No, I’m talking weird and alarming situations. The first was on a somewhat windy road on the way to Sandisfield. I may not have even seen it had I not noticed the driver ahead of me swerve a little. I looked to the middle of the road, and just in time was able to dodge a very large, probable very old, turtle. Here’s the thing about turtles in the middle of the road. Until you are closer to them, they pretty much look like a clump of mud, or a paper bag. Then suddenly you realize it’s this amazing, slow moving animal. Just in time to position your car to pass over it, all the time praying that you’ve guessed at the positioning just right , and that you won’t mistakenly crush the thing. The truck in front of me halted to a stop. Actually he kinda slid into the mud on the side of the road a little. And I waived as I passed him, in an attempt to say “thanks for stopping to help the turtle”. I watched in my rear view mirror as he turned around and drove back. For the rest of my drive I couldn’t help wondering what he did. I’m sure he just moved the turtle to the side of the road. Maybe he even walked it into the woods a little. But here’s the thing. What if the turtle just comes walking right back out? The thought of that turtle just sitting, unsuspectingly in the middle of that road is completely haunting.

Encounter #2. Driving home from work, a beautiful chocolate brown horse came charging out into the road. It was on the other side of the street, luckily, but it looked like it was coming straight for me. This was a pretty main street. People are going a solid 45-50 on curvy roads, and it was 5 o’clock in the afternoon. It’s amazing that there was no one coming on the other side at the moment that horse ran out. Pretty much everyone on the road came to a slow. The horse was still trotting along – a little bit to the side of the road, but coming in and out. A few cars behind me had already stopped, as the horse was now on their part of road. At this point I feel I should mention that the horse didn’t come out of nowhere. There was a farm right there, and there was even a woman walking (very casually, I might add) towards the road. In fact, she was being so casual it was hard to tell if she was even aware of the situation, or if she just happened to be walking that direction. Regardless of her, it seemed clear that the horse would be escorted off the road. But let me tell you, it’s a scary feeling when an animal that big comes charging at you, and you’re not sure if you’ll be able to stop the machine that you’re in before you hit it.

Hell is an Immigration waiting room

2006-04-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

I can finally say it.

It's over.

That's right, JD is officially a Permanent Resident of the good ole U.S. of A. After many, many forms and fees. After (literal) blood, sweat and tears. We are done. We can live our lives as if we haven't done something wrong. Without feeling guilty for no reason. JD can start to move forward. He can pursue acting without worrying if his work authorization will run out, or if he will have to give up a job in order to go back to Canada. Can you believe it?

The process, in the end, was relatively painless. But during? Different story.

JD had to go up to Montreal a week before his immigration interview, in order to take a medical exam. (thus the "blood" part of the blood, sweat and tears) He then spent the rest of the time wandering around Montreal. Luckily, he had lovely, warm weather. He quickly found a few comic book stores, some movie theaters and some good eats. I met him on Sunday, and was greeted by cold, rainy, windy weather for my portion of the trip. Montreal was still fun, just a little chilly.

On Monday, we headed to the US Consulate where we went through metal detectors, had a few items taken from us and generally felt like criminals for no reason. Then we began the process of waiting. We sat in a room full of people waiting to have similar interviews as us. All staring at the little screen that lets you know when your number is called. In this room, everyone is trying to look calm and happy. They have stoic little smiles on their faces, but if you look closely there is a noticeable glimmer of fear in their eyes. They are all clutching a little too tightly, to the files and folders in their hands. Every so often an annoying buzz sounds, indicating a new number has come up on the screen. But it's never yours. Yes, this waiting room is very possibly hell.

Once our number was called, we headed over to a little window where a woman went over our all our papers. She checked some original documents, had us pay a little more money, and then sent us to wait for a while longer. At this point we were feeling pretty confident, but still prepared for anything. When our number was finally called again, we entered a little room. JD was asked a few questions, held up his right hand and swore that all documents where genuine and all information was accurate, they took his fingerprints, and VOILA. When we exited the room we decided we had to hide our excitement because it would be cruel for the poor souls still waiting. As soon as we entered the elevators we jumped around a little and giggled.

We celebrated by having an amazing dinner in Old Montreal at a restaurant called Chez L'Epicier. Everything was great, but I think the highlight was the medley of Creme Brulees". It was a little tray with four cups of Creme Brulee- Vanilla, Orange, Coffee, Chocolate. Holy. It was good. And the coffee? Just about worth flying to Montreal for.

Other Notes and Highlights:
- Montreal smoked meat sandwiches= Awesome
- The men of Montreal are quite possibly more fashionable then the women. Very Metro. Nice.
- The faux hawk is definitely in. On women, as well as men. Hip.
- Montrealers are a little more European when it comes to porn. Lots of peep shows all along the main strip, nudey photos and all.
- Montreal bagels=tasty
- The main downtown had a very similar feel to Vancouver.
- Montreal traffic? Hellish
- Border people? Very nice
- Canadian dollar? Much stronger than back in the day, but that exchange rate still takes the edge off a little.
- And?

- Tim Hortons

- trying not to look wind-blown and cold.

- girly bathroom graffiti (note the Modest Mouse quote)

-mmm...swartz's smoked meat sandwiches

-Ben's deli. Good old school charm

JD's celebratory cigarette and strawberry milk

Rock.

Catching up

2006-04-15T14:12:00.000-04:00

So, I realized I haven't posted in about two weeks. I think it's time for a brief catch up...
immediately after my last post, JD and I headed to NY to spend some time with my bro. That night we went to "Black and White" with Jen and had some drinks. I marveled at the sheer amount of young people gathered in one place, and the fact that there was such good music... I guess those are things that start to surprise you when you've been in a small town for a few years.
On Sunday, we got lucky enough to enjoy one of the first truly warm and springy days of the season. It was wonderful. We had brunch at "Taco Chulo" in Williamsburg. I had their version of Eggs Florentine. It was served on a piece of green onion/ cheese cornbread with a "velveetadaze" sauce (yes, it was velveeta based, but with peppers and yumminess added to it). It was pretty incredible. I was very skeptical of the sauce, and a little frightened, but it was definitely worth it.

Then we wandered around the city ( I bought a bunch of cheap and cute H&M clothes) and ended the night by chilling on the back patio at SuperCore. It was warm and lovely, and the wild kitties hung out with us. We drank Sangria and ate crusty and flaky panini's. Mmmm.

Other highlights: Peter Luger's burger (it stands up to the hype.. but I'm not so sure how I feel about their special steak sauce), cheap mexican food delivery, spending time with family.

Ayla and I had "Pi and Pie" night, where we intended to bake pumpkin pie and watch the movie Pi. Neither of us have seen it, but the video stores didn't have it, so we opted for Twin Peaks instead. Now I feel my old Twin Peaks obsession rearing it's strange and twisted head... I'm just trying to hold out for that second season on DVD. Our pumpkin pie was delicious.

The last Miserable Monday was kinda crazy. We got way carried away with the alcohol... shots, martinis, vodka cranberries. Ben was pouring STRONG, and we were trashed. There was a lot of booth dancing and hollering. There was shimmying and sexy photoshoots. Good times.

Today it is about 75 degrees out.. I feel lively and happy. The crocuses are in full bloom. The tulips and daffodils are sprouting. I love spring.

I live with the Ladybugs

2006-04-01T11:04:00.000-05:00

They are everywhere...

A few nights ago, one was on the edge of my cup and I accidentally drank it. I was able to spit it out, but let me tell you, Ladybugs don't taste so good.

They slowly crawl across every surface...

Banging against the window panes...

Living in the plants...

Covering the walls...

Leaving little shell corpses in the cracks and corners...

sometimes, they don't quite make it where they're going...
But I swear it's not on purpose

Spring is Here.

yesterday's headache

2006-03-28T14:47:00.000-05:00

I am a light weight. A cheap drunk. A total wussy girl. I spent all day yesterday with a alcohol headache, after recovering from my TWO drinks the night before. I wouldn't have even categorized myself as drunk. I mean, I spent most of the night complaining that the drinks were on the weak side. What is that?

It was a strange miserable monday. First off, I started the night by seeing V for Vendetta with Ayla, which I really enjoyed. With the feeling of dystopia washing over me, I saw the world a little different. Of course, it helped that it was such an odd night to start with. Our normal haunt was closed. Okay. Our second choice was closed. Weird. The town was freakin deserted. We gathered in a parking lot and decided to take the Misery to Due - a bar we are not all particularly fond of. We walked the block and a half from Baba Loui's to Due and it felt like we were on a pilgrimage. This random group of about seven people in an otherwise deserted town. It was a clear night, but there weren't many stars. Time passed quickly, and suddenly it was 1:00 AM. We had filled the miserbowl, Nik and I had done an impromptu photoshoot in the bathroom, and we all headed to our homes.

tomorrow I am going to see Night Watch. Futuristic, Russian Vampire films are pretty cool.

March 20th is the new Thanksgiving

2006-03-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday JD and I had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner with Tanya and Paul. It wasn't a turkey dinner, it was Thanksgiving. Having missed out on this yearly eating fest, due to the renovation of their house, they decided it was only fair they should be able to enjoy it once the house became livable (which by the way, it really, really is. Beautiful). It looked like spring out, but the frigid wind felt reminiscent of November. The smells of the turkey cooking, the sage and thyme apple stuffing, the pureed rich and decadent sweet potatoes, and the classic buttery mashed potatoes were as intoxicating as ever. We sipped on a great pinot noir and got nice and hungry for what would (probably) be the last Thanksgiving dinner for at least 7 more months.

In true American Thanksgiving style, we followed it up with some television watching - the new HBO show "Big Love" - not sure what I think of this show, yet, and "Project Runway" reruns.

Ultimate Blogger is getting very exciting, with Real Girl making it to the top three and coming up with a really fun and innovative last entry. I can't wait to see the results from this latest challenge. Too much fun! Go Real Girl!

Also, today is a happy, happy day. It is my papa's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD), as well as my father in law's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARLOS) and it is also the "get together" anniversary of JD and I (I LOVE YOU, JD) which means we have been together for 9 YEARS (!). Happy March 21st to all!

I love Bon Jovi

2006-03-14T15:52:00.000-05:00

Last night was the birthday party for Kim, Nik and JD. Because there are no swanky clubs in our little town where we could party 80's dance style, we had the party at none other than The Union, home of the Misery. Complete with a DJ, plastic cups and disco balls, it was a bonofide dance club. There was some serious drunkenness, and some even more serious girl-on-girl dancing.

We still had our designated Misery table, for those less happy moments in between "Like a Prayer" and "Love is a battlefield". JD was the guardian of the MiserBowl, as well as designated photographer, as I was far too consumed by the love of the 80's. I just couldn't stop the dancing. Right when I thought I could take a break - BAM! "Livin on a Prayer" or "bizarre Love Triangle".

Even though JD is working a 10 hr shift today, and then running this ridiculous errand for me afterwards, he was a real trooper and stuck it out as I ran around like a maniac (MANIAC! MANIAC! ON THE FLOOR). I felt like a real lucky girl to have such a patient and fun lovin fella.

The best part? Laura dressed as Indiana Jones, as a tribute to the 80's. The whip was a big hit.

An exciting weekend

2006-03-13T15:39:00.000-05:00

The long awaited trip to Target... Just take one look at that glowing oasis and tell me you're not a little bit tickled.

I did, as promised, bust out the champagne. (okay, maybe it was only sparkling white grapefruit juice, because that's all I could get, but who's checking)

MMM....

I'M SO EXCITED!!

And now, as a special bonus, and a testament to my humility, here's the worst photo of me ever. What am I doing?

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't be bragging (and photo documenting) the fact that the highlight of my Sunday was the long awaited trip to target. But it was. I'd like to say that it rocked my world, but unfortunately, it was only mildly exciting. The bulk of the excitement was definitely in the buildup. Sometimes that's just how it goes. I bet a few weeks from now they'll have some new line of swanky little tank tops and I'll be as thrilled as ever.

Tonight is the long awaited Kim & Nik's birthday celebration/ 80's dance party... in combination with the weekly Miserable Monday. A strange combination, yes. But there's some beauty in that.

Yes, March is a slow month

2006-03-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting indoors on this glorious day - happy that, even if I'm not out in it, it's genuinely warm outside. As I walked from the coffee shop to my work this morning, I took off my jacket and just let the warm air brush over me. I know it's still march - but spring is on it's way, dammit. To keep myself entertained when it's slow at work I take random photos like these.

I also work on silk screen designs - but, for now, those are top secret. As soon as I have something to show for it - I promise fancy photos.

I was reading a forum discussion on G-RAD about the definitions and implications of the word "hipster". It's a touchy subject, but one that I thought was well addressed by KMIKEYM of Urban Honking. I've always felt really uncomfortable by the word "hipster". Not because I did, or didn't, fit into the category, but more because it has always felt like a word that should, in it's essence, be very broad in it's definitions, but has, in fact, been used in a very narrow way these last few years. The idea that you should be able to spot a "hipster" seems ridiculous to me. It shouldn't refer to a specific style, or a choice of music, but right now, that's exactly what it refers to. Which is precisely why there has been this backlash to the word. But we can choose to ignore that, and instead focus on what the word should mean. To me, the word "hipster" should be about individuality - all the ways in which we distinguish ourselves, show our creativity, be bold, take chances. Yeah, that's a little idealistic, but not necessarily unrealistic. I think that Mike really nailed it when he said that "There is no hipster. The hipster is everywhere."

Now, in the spirit of Ultimate Blogger I have decided to satisfy my boredom with a few self portraits. Self indulgent? You bet.

As a side note - I've officially made an appointment for my toe. Just in case any of you loyal readers (Hi, mom) were concerned. By Monday afternoon this should be all figured out. I know, what a relief.

Unappealing topics

2006-03-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

Every Thursday we do floral arrangements for a chinese restaurant in town. They bring in their vases, we clean them out and add some fresh little ditty that will be both long lasting and hip, but also very inexpesive. It's the thorn in my side every week. It does keep me busy when it's slow, and hey, business is business. But the thing that I really dread is that every week they bring me something to eat for lunch. I know, what a nice gesture, right? The thing is, it's always some sugary noodle dish, with those fried "chips" and sweet and sour sauce, and even though I tell myself I don't have to eat it - that I could just eat the nice, healthy lunch that I brought in, I always end up eating it. Then I feel gross and greasy, and end up scolding my lack of willpower when it comes to food. Especially free food. I just can't turn it down. I mean, it's free.

Aside from having a belly ache, I also have another ailment. One of my toes is all swollen and sore. It's been this way for about a week. I feel silly going to the doctor for it, but it seems strange. Maybe it's some weird wart or fungus (I do go to the gym, and although I try not to be barefoot, there have been occasions). Anyone have experience with weird toe problems? I know this isn't the most appealing topic, but I'm at a loss here. I tried the "ignore it, and it will go away" method, and that just didn't seem to work.

Weekend Update

2006-03-07T16:33:00.000-05:00

I had a great weekend.

It started off with a gathering of friends at a beautiful house in Sandisfield, Ma. We ate creamy, delicious vegan macaroni & cheese and drank beer. We started to watch The Wedding Crashers, but the general disappointment in the movie made us sleepy so we went off to our little bedrooms and listened to the wind howl all night long. In the morning we made griddle bagels and struggled a little with the coffee machine. On Sunday, I met my good friends Joey and Alana, and their two little girls, Sadie and Rose, for lunch at the new Indian restaurant in town. They had a really nice buffet put out that was fresh and delicious. The highlight was looking at the big fish tank with Sadie. This is a snippet of our conversation.

Me: Maybe someday you'll have your own fishtank
Sadie: Yeah... when I'm a big boy, I'm gonna have a tank and I'm gonna take care of the fish

I love that girl.

On Monday (which is still my weekend) Jd and I had a little coffee and a breakfast sandwich together and he read to me from "We" by Yevgeny Zamyatin.

Then I watched a bad romantic comedy called "Prime" and headed over to the Union for Miserable Monday. All in all - very solid. I had two strong Vodka Tonics, and at some point in the night when I thought I had lost the lens cap to my camera (which was actually tucked away safely in the camera case) I crawled under the table to try to find it. Needless to say this was found to be very amusing to those around me. I think they were laughing with me, but I can't be sure.

Today, I received an order of silkscreening supplies, and spent a good portion of the day working on designs... very exciting. Now I actually have to make stuff...a little scary.

Tonight, I hope to rent something cheesy and be lazy and warm. Good times.

I love James T.

2006-03-02T14:16:00.000-05:00

The misery site is up and running. Assuming that the world doesn't become all chocalate, sunshine and love over the next week, you can expect a fancy new post next wednesday.

In other news, there is a lovely white fluffy snow storm happening outside my window. The world feels quiet and still.

Song of the hour: Common People (not the Pulp version, which also rocks my world, but the amazing cover by William Shatner and Joe Jackson)

These are things that scare me

2006-03-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I forget how to make my own fun.

Sometimes I'm so terrified of mediocrity that I hide from everything.

Sometimes I think I've completely lost touch with everything that once defined me.

Sometimes I have no idea who my friends are.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm wasting my life. Or at least my youth.

Sometimes I forget how to be creative.

Sometimes I think being an artist is a joke.

Sometimes I'm not sure where my home is.

Projects and Doubt

2006-03-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

So I'm working on a new project called "Welcome to our Misery". It's based on a ritual gathering of friends every monday night at a local bar. We call the night Miserable Mondays. You can check out an earlier post called "Hate and Misery" for a few more details. The premise is that it's a forum for us to air our petty problems without judgment. Where we can bitch about the little things and call them Miseries. I guess it's a way to remind ourselves that there are bigger problems and that our lives are good - that we have good friends, that there's beauty and laughter in our lives. I love this about Miserable Mondays. I love writing down stupid things like "I am miserable because my car is leaking oil". From the beginning I've wanted to make this into a larger project. After the first winter, I made a book with all the miseries sewn and pasted into it. It looked great, but it was limiting. It can only be in the possession of one person at a time. So my friend Nik and I have decided to create a blog where we post the miseries every week, and also allow other people to send us their miseries. This has all sounded so great to me, until last night when I tried to actually go through the old miseries and create a post. I think the problem is that I had just watched a few episodes of Six Feet Under - particularly depressing episodes - and I couldn't help but wonder if this concept will work out of context. Will the blog just end up coming off as trivial - even insulting. Will people be offended by the bunch of us bitching about paying rent, or having a shitty job? In the moment, I see brilliance in it. But after the fact, will it just be trite?

I hate when you are so sure of something, and then suddenly it comes crashing down on you. And then you question everything.

Target! (but, you know, say it the fancy french way)

2006-02-28T16:56:00.000-05:00

So the enchiladas went pretty well. I wouldn't say they were a blockbuster, but they didn't bomb either. After our guests had left, my husband told me he thought the dinner was excellent and he was upset that the others hadn't made that clear. Personally, I hadn't noticed a lack of compliments, but the fact that he was looking out for me was really sweet. The dinner was especially delicious as left overs - the enchiladas fell apart, and eating them with the remaining rice and beans, they just became a bowl of tasty mexican goodness (also known as "dinner shlop")

Onto more important news. On March 5th (that's this coming Sunday!) our little town will get it's first, brand spankin new, Target. Now, by "our town", I actually mean the town over from us - but still, that's only 30 minutes. 30 minutes! I will celebrate this good news by treating the grand opening as if it were the birthday party of a good friend. Hopefully, this will involve a small gathering of like minded, Target obsessed friends, and maybe even some champagne.

The champagne's not too much is it?

Dinner Plans

2006-02-25T14:15:00.000-05:00

Tonight I will make Vegan Enchiladas. I don't think it will be that big of a challenge, but I'm still worried they won't be nearly as tasty as the cheesy, cheesy ones I will also be making. I am cooking for a few friends who are not only vegan, but are amazing vegan cooks. They are the kind of people who casually ask you over for dinner, even at the last minute, and then present you with beautifully crafted and spectacular food. Food that seems absolutely effortless for them. Like they just threw together whatever was in their fridge, and it just happened to be a platter of handmade vegan maki rolls and dumplings. Ta-Da! Luckily, I will also be having some non-vegan friends over who can have their choice of cheese or no cheese, thus amplifying the chances that they will think my enchiladas are awesome. Honestly, I think my success lies in the hands of the avocado gods. The ones I have at home are still hard as rocks, so I am hoping to find ripe, yummy avocados at the grocery store. A good bowl of guacamole will save any meal.

I may explode... any minute now.

2006-02-24T14:05:00.000-05:00

Okay. I've been handling the overdramatic, drawn out, diplomatic bullshit proceedings involved in my husbands immigration case for almost 3 years now. I've been patient. I've been friendly with the people who answer the phones at USCIS FORMERLY INS, as well as those at the NVC. I've been thorough with my paperwork. Meticulous with my photocopying and keeping of files. Dammit, I've done all I can do. And now, I just feel like I can't F-in take it anymore. The not knowing is killing me. The wondering if we will get some horribly mean immigration officer who will deny our case based on some silly detail, is starting to terrify me. The lack of control is eating away at me. I need so bad for this stage of my life to be over. I just want to live a normal freakin life - relatively bureaucracy free. My hope is that we really are at the end of this. That within a few months we will have our interview and JD will receive his Permanent Resident Card. Just in time for us to frolic in the beautiful spring weather and dance in the Fields. I just don't think that's too much to ask.

Birds and Bees

2005-09-15T17:32:00.000-04:00

So I've been having a few problems with nature lately. I try to be okay with creatures living in my space. I mean, they don't know I've laid claim to this particular piece of land, and frankly they have plenty of rights to be here. I rarely kill spiders, unless they look like they are capable of killing me (like the one I flushed down the drain the other day). I let moths and random flying insects float annoyingly around my room without swatting at them. I even ignore the mouse (or mice) that are definitely living somewhere in my storage space. But I have my limits, and right now I'm reaching it. That limit is bees. Having a bee, or two, in the house every so often is no biggy. They mostly keep to themselves, so I don't mind. But lately there have been more than one or two bees in my house.. and they're not bees, they're wasps. Also, they are in my bedroom. I came home from work the other day to find approximately 8 wasps in my bedroom. In their credit, they are non-aggressive. They are paper wasps, and if you can get over the creepy "there are wasps in my bedroom" thing, they're pretty neat looking. The real problem with having multiple wasps in your room is that it's unlikely that day after day they are just getting in through a window. It is more likely that they have burrowed in through the attic or roof and made a nice little home in your wall. The other thing about these wasps is that they seem really smart. I swear their little heads follow my movements if I get really close to them, and let me tell you - that is just weird.

The good news is, it had been nearly a week since I originally started this entry (due to a little event called LIZ'S WEDDING!!) and the wasps seem to be dying off. This was my hope. That I could just wait for the cold weather to do it's thing and than count on them not returning to their old home next year. I figure, if I can avoid spraying my bedroom with poisonous chemicals I certainly will.

The wasps are not the limit to my nature problems, however. In the last two months I have witnessed five birds slam into windows directly in front of me. The first one made sense. It was a large sliding door with no curtains or objects blocking it. I felt responsible for the death of that bird (which I honestly think was a crow, I don't even want to think about the symbolism there). The others flew into windows which I thought seemed pretty well blocked by objects in front of them and things taped to them... So my question is, Does this mean something? And I releasing some kind of bird pheromone here, or are there darker forces at work? Or are the birds just flying around in a frenzy preparing for winter? Do they do that?

The cold is a comin' and then all there will be is snow and grayness, and I won't have to worry about wasps and dead birds. I'm not sure that such a good trade.

"...the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"

2005-09-01T15:49:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning in a strange haze, still caught up in the dream I had been having through the night. For whatever reason the effect of the dream was to make it so that I physically couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't tired, or emotionally exhausted in any way, I just kept laying there staring at the ceiling literally thinking "why am I not getting up?". I can't describe much of the dream, except to say that there was a lot of water - pools, showers, flooded rooms, rain. etc. And that I had two somewhat sexual encounters with people who seemed to be strange combinations of ex-boyfriends (or crushes). I don't know why, but even thinking of the dream makes my whole body feel weighed down. Perhaps this is a response to the hurricane and subsequent flooding, which is definitely present in my mind. I do have a complicated relationship with water, both fearing and loving it immensely. Having no television, I have seen very little imagery of this storm, but the ones in my mind are pretty strong. Ugh - I need to stop thinking of this dream.

Here's a random "things I've been wanting to do lately" list :

-Have a decent looking, functional garden. This applies to both vegetable and flower. My very first attempt, this summer, produced somewhat pathetic results. The flower garden was badly designed and, in the most general terms, unattractive. The vegetable garden also lacked design skills and was, most often, full of weeds. I should be able to do this. I have hippy blood coursing through my veins, dammit!

-Finish my wedding album (I got married in June 2000).

-Have a silk-screening business. No matter how small.

-Bake a cake from scratch. Honestly, I've never done this...Cookies, maybe, but no cakes.

-Drive across the country. And I mean all over.

-Be a better blogger.

Damn, that dream is still sitting in my belly. I need to go run around and enjoy this amazing weather. That ought to do the trick.

Today is the Fourth of July?

2005-07-04T16:42:00.000-04:00

Today is the Fourth of July. It is a holiday I continually forget about. I don't mean, I forget about it until a week or so before. I mean, I forget as the day goes on. Here's how it happens. I woke up early with the intention of having a very productive morning. I planned on going to the gym immediately upon waking (which I don't do very often), then going to the Co-op for a decaf coffee and vegan oatmeal raisin cookie, then taking a pretty damn long drive out to Pittsfield ( a nearby town) to get to the only decent photo lab to drop off some Black and White film. I was to do this all before getting to work at 9:45. No problem! I'm organized and enthusiastic. I wake up, throw on some clothes, pack my gym bag and happily drive down to the community center. It immediately becomes clear that they are closed (yes, Fourth of July, of course, I forgot!). So I go home, take a shower, and decide "Well, I can still go get a coffee and cookie and go to the lab". I get in the car and drive to the Co-op. It's closed. Shit! Fourth of July! I forgot. Then with film in hand I begin to drive the 30 minute drive to Pittsfield. In my credit, I did realize about 5 minutes in that they too would be closed for this "most important of holiday's", but seeing as how I'd already wasted my productive morning, I decided to do the drive anyway and just leave the film in the drop box. Arriving in Pittsfield I was confronted with the beginnings of a large 4th of July parade, which was momentarily surprising, seeing as how I'd managed to block it out once more. I guess it just seems like such a joke, I don't assume that anyone pays attention to it. As I pulled up to the lab, I saw a family on their way to the parade and watching the little girls sitting in the back of their red wagon with little American flags in their hands it became pretty obvious that that isn't the case. It's okay, I'll probably forget all about it as soon as I finish this blog.

A few small notes...
-The store next to ours was serving homemade ice cream (as a 4th of July treat) and it reminded me of home in a way that was both wonderful and heartbreaking.
-After a long hiatus, I've started to make books again. I have two book projects in the works. Maybe if I can figure it out, I'll post some photo's of the finished products.
-July 4th has reminded me of the much more important and highly unappreciated July 11th where 711 stores all over the country (or at least in Denver) serve up delicious Slurpees for .11 cents. Summer is rarely better than on that glorious day.
-There are things that I can't figure out how to write about yet, but hope to do so very soon...

Hate and Misery

2005-04-22T14:15:00.000-04:00

So, lets face it, there's not much to do in this town. To keep it interesting we have to make our own fun. Mostly that involves getting together to watch movies, eat dinner, all the old standbys, but lately we've begun creating "nights". To some degree the "night" phenomenon is annoying to me. I don't think every night needs to be a "night". Horror movie "night", X-files "night". you get the picture. I like some spur of the moment "nights" mixed in there. But there are two "nights" that I'm quite fond of. They are "hate night" and "miserable mondays". I promise, we actually are a fun group. And mighty cheery as well. I think "hate night" in particular needs discussing. It began as a night in opposition to the above mentioned "x-files night", which is led by my hubby. He hangs with a small group of friends at a house across the lake from ours. Our housemate Sam was at one point a part of this group, but he was having some issues with a couple of the members and decided to leave. But he still wanted to watch the X-files. I had a certain amount of animosity towards them because I had never been invited in the first place, and I sort of wanted to be watching the X-files too. So we joined our negativity and created our own night. Along with our friend Nik, we became a group. We found that it was a great way to release any anger, frustration or annoyance from the previous week. No hate is too big or too small. Our only rule is that there is no hate between us, and no self hate. We focus all our energy on the house across the lake, most often referred to as "those fuckers across the lake", and occasionally watch an episode or two of the X-files. As the weather has gotten warmer we have begun to take our activities outdoors. This may entail yelling obscenities to them (which they can't hear), or doing some sort of mission to their house to sabotage their "night". Last week this involved us angrily driving to their house (with the lights off, super spy style) crawling in the grass and sneaking around their back porch is search of an ashtray which we were sure JD (my hubby) had brought with him (that fucker!) only to discover that it was in fact still at our house. It sure gave us a good reason to hate, though. I mean, what right did he have to take that with him! Your starting to see how fun hate can be, aren't you. What we've learned is that as long as it's all in good fun, a little hatred is good for the soul. We often refer to a successful hate night as "a good hate". I feel I should mention that the hubby is aware of "hate night" and finds it amusing. However he is the only one. I would ruin the hate if they all new.

Hate night (which generally takes place on Sunday's) is quickly followed by Miserable Mondays. This night has many similarities with Hate Night. It began as a social experiment. We wondered how quickly you could gather a crowd at a local bar just by loosely putting out the word that it was happening. So we started saying "we'll be a Union on Monday night for Miserable Mondays". We don't call anyone or set times, we just put it out there and show up. Low and behold within three weeks we went from three of us to about ten. People just start showing up. Everybody likes a theme. I guess it makes us feel like we're a part of something. So we've begun to really embrace the idea of "miserable monday". First off, we have the "miserabowl". It's a clear fish bowl that sits in the center of our table. There are slips of paper and pens scattered about, with which you write your miseries. Each misery starts with "I am miserable because..". As with hate night, no misery is too big or too small. It could be " I am miserable because my job is horrible and oppressive" (which mine isn't, that was just an example) or "I am miserable because my drink is empty" (which becomes a common misery as the night goes on). The miserabowl fills up and we all become lighter.

This is how my week starts. Completely random hatred and misery, with very little basis in reality. I think focusing on this stuff is a way for us to recognize how good our lives are. We indulge in the little things that bother us, let them become big, blown up, get angry about them, bitch, complain. All so we can laugh at ourselves and see how silly these things are. We make our fun. The thing is, I think you have to make your own fun regardless of whether your in the smallest of towns or the biggest of cities. Because in the end, it's all about the people you're with and how creative you can get with your time.

So, if anyone's going to be in the Great Barrington/ Berkshires area on a monday night stop by Union Bar and Grill and get miserable. Seriously, we'll be there.

Gotta do more, Gotta be more

2005-04-12T16:04:00.000-04:00

I feel like I've been running around for two weeks now, with no end in site. It's always this way. One seemingly small event explodes into a serious of events, which start to take over. Let me explain. I've begun taking on small photography jobs. It provides a bit of a challenge and well, lets face it, some extra cash. But suddenly I have three in two days on top of my 40 hr work week. Already I see myself adjusting from 'girl who goes home after work and lazily watches movies' to 'serious working girl, editing photo shoots in the evening after a long day at work'. This transition was really only difficult in the beginning. Already I'm starting to crave this feeling of fullness. It makes you fit things into your schedule that you may have otherwise put off, thinking "I have plenty of time, I'm not doing anything". And yet I'm never satisfied. I never feel like I'm doing enough. Everpresent in my mind is "be more creative, take more photos, make more books, more, more, more". In my lazy time I've ever riddled with a dull guilt that I'm not doing enough, never enough. Or that what I'm doing is somehow lacking. That is should be better. More. This generally leads to more laziness, which is avoidance, leading to more guilt. So I'm thankful for this burst of busyness. I have no choice but to be productive. So even if I'm not satisfied, I'm at least free of the feeling that I'm not doing anything. Even if I could be doing more.

Things you think of on a slow day

2005-04-07T15:21:00.001-04:00

How is it that two completely different people will come up with the same unique combination of flowers, at two separate times in one day. Are we all connected by some greater "collective unconscious" or are these things really just coincidence? Isn't it amazing that the smell of geranium is so strong is fights its way out of the cold fridge and inhabits the entire shop? These are the thoughts that come to me when the shop is quite, like it is today. It's so silent and still in here, and maybe more so outside. The sky is a light grey and a warm wind is blowing. It seems a perfect day to go buy flowers, or even just browse, but I suspect the locals have decided that April is a better month to go to Florida, or Hawaii or Costa Rica, than to stay in Great Barrington. Part of me agrees with them. Part of me can think of nowhere I'd rather be. And then there's that part that wants, at all times, to be with the people I miss, in all the places they are.

I find myself becoming more attached to this place, day by day. So much so that it's starting to feel like home in a way I wasn't sure any other place ever would. I've been a "Denver girl" for so long, it's strange that I would take so well to a small New England town. I've begun doing things I've never done before. Becoming more involved in the community. Buying a farm share with a local CSA (community supported agriculture). Listening to community radio. Supporting the local "film festival". All these little things. They're things I've always wanted to be a part of, in any community, yet somehow never was. I take that as a sign that this is a place I must want to be committed to in some way. All in all, the idea of that terrifies me, because it means I may always be in a place where so many people I love aren't. I guess that's just one of those things that happens somewhere along the way. You think that everyone will someday move to a utopian neighborhood that offers a little something for each person. Where you'll all raise your families together, go for walks, make art, throw interesting parties and be there for all the important things...

Does everyone have these dreams? Do they ever come true?

f-ing heather

2005-04-03T20:02:00.000-04:00

this is a test, this is only a test. hey.